1. The Productivity App
I downloaded a productivity app because I wanted to stop wasting time and finally get my life organized.
The app asked me to create a list of everything I needed to accomplish that day.
So I spent 45 minutes carefully organizing my tasks by priority, color-coding them, adding deadlines, and rearranging them into the perfect order.
Then the app congratulated me for being productive.
I felt amazing.
Unfortunately, “download a productivity app” was the only thing I had actually accomplished.
At least it was marked complete.
2. The Healthy Grocery Trip
I decided it was time to start eating healthier, so I went to the grocery store with a very responsible shopping list: vegetables, fruit, whole grains, lean protein, and absolutely no junk food.
I felt incredibly disciplined walking through the aisles.
Then I passed the bakery.
I told myself I was just going to look.
Five minutes later, I was standing there holding a box of cookies, trying to justify the purchase by reading the nutrition label.
I finally put them in my cart and said, “Well, technically, I bought them for the family.”
I live alone.
Apparently, my imaginary family has terrible eating habits.
3. The Early Night
I decided I needed to become one of those people who goes to bed early, wakes up refreshed, and starts the morning full of energy.
So at 9:30 p.m., I put my phone away, turned off the lights, and got into bed.
At 9:32, I remembered I had an important question.
Why do cats purr?
I told myself I would look it up quickly.
An hour later, I knew why cats purr, how octopuses sleep, why flamingos are pink, and that honey never really spoils.
At 11:47 p.m., I finally put my phone down.
I felt exhausted.
But also strangely qualified to host a nature documentary.